Journal Entry: Wed Nov 19, 2014, 8:16 PM
Sometimes I sympathize with those who want to "come out of the closet" one day. I'm straight but my tastes are still a bit different from the average young female. Most people who know me online know that I find chubby men attractive. It's all over my dA, like 96% of my OC drawings are of Chase and most likely a lot of my watchers are sick and tired of seeing him all the time, but tough shit I draw what I want. lol He's the character I end up finishing pictures of the most because all my other characters are too hard to draw and he's my favorite, yadda yadda.
Anyway, why did I write that first sentence? Well, I don't think I've told many about this but my parents are kinda prejudiced against fat people...and to be honest, they have some pretty legit reasons to be. Being overweight can cause an array of diseases and ailments, especially when growing older. Diabetes, heart disease, cancers, etc. Now, everybody's different. Just because someone is overweight doesn't mean he will certainly get something like diabetes, it's just a higher risk factor that he has. So, if I tried to explain to them that I liked chubby people over thinner people, they will definitely give me a weird look, ask me a bunch of uncomfortable questions, try to convince me that it's a bad thing, and never let me live it down. I've tried to say it inconspicuously, a few hints at a time. I've already told my mother that I don't like skinny men, nor do I like muscular men. I've asked my dad questions when he talks about fat people negatively. Such as when he says something like, "Oh look, it's a freaking fat guy, of course."
"What's wrong with that?"
One day, my friend asked me to show my mother a picture of her OC, and he was chubby, just to know her reaction. Her reaction was basically, "he's good looking but he needs to lose weight." I can't say I wasn't surprised. A few days later, a conversation led to me mentioning that I can just draw my dream guy instead of having him physically here. My mom then made a comment like, "yeah, but his belly is too big" and my dad was stunned, "really...?" I was speechless, probably hilariously so. Eventually I copped out and said, "You must be talking about my friend's drawing."
My parents are clueless about Chase and any other of my characters. That's normal, I guess. They've seen me draw digitally a few times but they're never interested enough to watch me, and I guess that's in my favor. My mom has seen Chase a couple times, drawn by me and others and she always has the same thing to say, "Ay, how ugly!" lol Well, that was one of my intentions with the character. Success. My dad has never seen them, or at least never really looked at them when they were on my screen. Honestly, I normally close the page with my OCs when either come in my room.
I think people know by now that the idea behind Chase is to be the ideal man for me. I designed him to be perfect but of course, because perfection doesn't exist, I'll be forever alone and I'm okay with that. I don't have a boyfriend, obviously, nor am I looking for one. I don't need an actual man around, I don't even like having to spend time with someone so often, it eventually becomes like a chore to me, like it's too much of a good thing. That's why I don't complain about not having real life friends. I'd like to be friends with cool people but I really need my alone time. Just talking to new people can be a hassle for me, even if they're online. Usually, I don't know what to say and I have to really think over what message I'm going to send.
My mom says one day I'll change. She's been saying that since I was a little kid and in retrospect, she's right. I used to like "normal sized" guys. Hell, my last crush from high school was pretty normal (body-wise...) and that was 3 years ago. He was my second crush, my first one dates all the way back to second grade and he was an average boy too. Though, I lost interest in him when I entered middle school. I remember both were lean, handsome, competent looking guys. Since, there has come a question I can't fully answer, why did I switch from fit to fat? My dad says people who don't like skinny people are insecure about themselves. So, it's because I'm insecure? I know I am, I've been told I'm ugly many times over but I've heard of plenty of other people who find chubby people attractive to be very attractive themselves (by today's standards). So no, it can't always be because of that.
Now, I love my parents, I know they give me more love than a lot of other parents out there, way more. I also know they come from a different time and place. My mom is more accepting than my dad who is a little more stubborn. I think if I blatantly told my mom, she'd laugh and poke fun at me but that's pretty much it. My dad, however, would call me crazy, in fact, he did once when I was 14 and I said, "I don't care" (when talking about fatties being attractive). He always says fat people signify laziness. How can I counter that? Chase is lazy but I still like his character. Of course I could say, "not all fat people are lazy" but that would make it sound like it's a very bad thing, when it's not to me. I should think it's bad, I know it's bad, but I still find it to be a funny trait. To this day, I don't know how to explain why I like guys like Chase, all I can really say is, "I don't know" and maybe some lame excuse like, "maybe it's because skinny guys aren't as fun to hug" but how could I know? I don't remember hugging a hunky guy before. lol (But I do know that skinny guys hurt my bones when they hug me because I'm so scrawny XD)
Maybe I just don't want to know?
Watching: Cinemassacre Videos